


You shouldn't have.

by ilostmyothersock



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Depression, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:15:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24459577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilostmyothersock/pseuds/ilostmyothersock
Summary: Buck lends Eddie his phone. Eddie snoops mostly by accident, and then completely messes up dealing with what he sees.TW: Depression, suicidal thoughts/mentions of suicide.See the AN at the beginning for the prompt from Tumblr, or skip if you want to read without seeing it?
Comments: 22
Kudos: 265





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt (anonymous, from Tumblr): "I was listening to Logic on my way home today and I thought about your depressed buck series, and it made me think of a prompt, where someone uses buck's phone and see's repeated calls to a 1-800 number, they think it's like a phone sex thing or something and call it as a way to bust him on it, and then they realize he's not as okay as he seems? if that makes sense"

"Shit," Eddie swore under his breath. Buck quirked an eyebrow, looking up at him from where he was slumped on the couch, reading a book. "My phone just died, I was about to call Carla to tell her to drop Chris off at Pepa's instead of Abuela's."

"I told you you need to stop playing Candy Crush," Buck said with a smirk. Eddie sent him a pleading look and Buck rolled his eyes, handing over his own phone before turning back to his book.

“Password?” Eddie questioned. Buck wordlessly held out his thumb for Eddie to unlock the phone, not looking up from his page. Eddie pressed the unlock button to Buck’s thumb, opening up the phone app as soon as it was unlocked. He snorted, and Buck looked up with a frown.

“Who you been calling, Buck? You called this 1-800 number three times this week.”

Buck paled. “Uh, nobody. Just... tech support.”

Eddie rolled his eyes. “Come on Buck, we’re with the same carrier, this isn’t their customer service number.

“Was thinking of switching,” Buck retorted.

“These calls are all time-stamped the middle of the night, Buckley.” Buck opened and closed his mouth several times, desperately looking for something to say. “And they’re long, too.” Eddie raised an eyebrow with a smirk. “What’s got you so defensive, Buck? This a sex line or something?”

Buck spluttered. “No! No, just...”

Eddie snorted. “I get it, Buck, we’ve all got _needs_. And I mean it _has_ been a while since Ali. But like...” he looked back at the phone, scrolling a bit through the call history, “isn’t this a bit much? We need to find you a real girl, man.”

If Eddie didn’t know better, he’d have said that Buck’s lip quivered, but Buck didn’t respond to the jabs. He rolled his eyes and got up with a huff, telling Eddie to “just make the call already,” before saying he was going to the bathroom and heading off.

Eddie quickly called Carla, hoping to catch her before she left home to pick Chris up from school. Message relayed, he thanked her with a grateful “I seriously don’t know what we’d do without you,” before hanging up. Pressing the end button brought him back to the recent calls list, and he chuckled to himself, shaking his head. His thumb hovered over the most recent call to the mysterious number. Should he? It was almost definitely some sort of violation of privacy, especially since he knew what the number was for already. But this was Buck, and what kind of friend would he be if he didn’t pass up this prime opportunity for teasing material? Besides, he’d make sure to take Buck out later. He was a pretty good wingman, if he did say so himself. Decision made, he pressed the number, biting back his laughter as the phone rang.

When the automated voice started giving him menu options, however, Eddie blanched and nearly dropped the phone in surprise. He frantically looked around the firehouse loft, but Buck was nowhere to be seen.

\---

Buck didn’t really need to use the bathroom, but he definitely did need to leave before Eddie made any more jokes about him calling a sex line. Despite the fact that it wasn’t actually a sex line, not clearing his call history before giving someone his phone to use was a stupid, rookie move. He splashed some water on his face before sitting down heavily on one of the locker room benches, dropping his head into his hands. His ears were still burning in embarrassment, but he forced himself to take a deep breath. He could do this. A sex line was pretty in-character for Buck 1.0, wasn’t it? He could play this off as a joke. He could laugh about it. It was better than Eddie knowing the truth, anyway.

He felt his anxiety building despite himself, and he tried to settle his racing heart, desperately trying to think of things to say when he went back to get his phone from Eddie. Should he make a joke? Should he pretend Eddie never saw anything? Buck was very much lost in his thoughts and starting to feel a little woozy as he was startled out of his reverie by the sound of someone clearing their throat. He looked up to see Eddie looking back at him with a strange look on his face. Buck was almost sure he looked nervous. What did Eddie have to be nervous about? Buck hadn’t even decided what he was going to say, this was too soon, he needed a few more minutes to himself -

“Buck...” Eddie cut off Buck’s spinning thoughts. “Buck... I’m... I’m sorry.” Buck frowned. “It was an invasion of privacy, for me to look at your call history like that.”

Oh. Right. Yeah. Buck could work with that.

“Yeah, it was Eddie. Thank you for -” but Eddie cut him off again with a shake of his head.

“I called the number, Buck.”

Buck’s heart picked up the pace again. He wondered if he was going to throw up.

“You... you what?”

“I um... I thought it would be funny. I thought I could make fun of you for whatever cheesy voice answered but then we could go out for some drinks and just have a guys’ night out, or something. I didn’t meant to...”

“You didn’t mean to _what_ , Eddie? You didn’t mean to look? You didn’t mean to call? I don’t think either of those things were accidents.” Anger - Buck could do anger. It was better than the awful hollowness that he’d been drowning in lately. “But I’m glad you got a laugh out of it.” Buck got up off the bench, ready to storm off, when Eddie put a hand on his shoulder. Buck couldn’t help it, he flinched. Eddie took a step back, hands held up apologetically.

“I... I know what kind of phone line it is, Buck. I heard the message, I...”

“Great, Eddie. Now you know. Can I please have my phone back so I can leave, already?”

Buck still had a few hours left in his shift, but anywhere would be better than stuck in the locker room with Eddie. Maybe Hen would be willing to play Mario Kart with him. He needed a distraction.

Eddie made no move to give back the phone clutched tightly in his hand, so Buck huffed out a breath, turning to leave anyway. He couldn’t deal with this.

“I know it was a suicide helpline, Buck,” Eddie blurted out. Buck was now almost certain he was going to throw up. He blinked furiously, trying to clear the tears that were building in his eyes, before he made to leave again. Eddie grabbed his wrist. “Can we please... talk? Please, Buck? Just for a minute?”

Buck sighed. With the nausea that was building, maybe it was best he stayed close to the bathrooms anyway. So, he reluctantly sat back down on the bench, keeping his gaze determinedly on the ground as Eddie sat down next to him. The other man was silent for a moment, before he held out Buck’s phone to him. Buck snatched it back, shoving it in his pocket without saying anything. If Eddie wanted to talk, well then Eddie could talk. Buck had nothing to say.

“Why’d you call a suicide helpline, Buck?” Buck snorted. Wasn’t it obvious?

Eddie ran a hand through his hair, sighing. “No, I know that’s a dumb question. How... how long have you been feeling like... like this, Buck?”

Buck shrugged. Even if he _had_ wanted to answer, it was honestly hard to remember a time in his life when he _hadn’t_ felt like this in some way. The intensity of the hopelessness seemed to rise and fall, but he was very familiar with the sleepless nights. Eddie hovered his hand as if he wanted to put it on Buck’s knee, but when he saw Buck tense he put it back on his own with a sigh.

“I... I know this year has been hard, Buck. But why didn’t you just... call? You have to know you can call me.”

Buck snorted. “At four in the fucking morning, Eddie?”

“We call you at 4am all the time, Buck. You’re always willing to talk to Chris after a nightmare, I know you love him _so much_ , you have to know he feels the same? That he’d do the same?” The _I’d do the same_ went unsaid, but Eddie hoped Buck heard it anyway. (He didn’t.)

“I _do_ know that actually. I _know_ that Chris would be willing to talk on the phone if I called him in the middle of the night. Somehow that kid is the best person I’ve ever met, but I’m not going to call your _nine-year-old_ to tell him that I can’t sleep because I can’t stop thinking about how much I want to _kill myself_.”

Eddie flinched. Buck was breathing hard, and despite himself he felt a tear slip down his cheek before he wiped it away furiously. “I hope you called Carla. You should charge your phone.”

With that Buck was gone, the locker room door swinging angrily shut behind him as he stormed off. Eddie could do nothing but sit as he blinked in shock, trying to think of what he could say to Buck - to his friend who was clearly hurting. But, before he could form a coherent thought, the bell rang and they were off.


	2. Chapter 2

The ride to the call was tense, the call was tense (but luckily routine with no serious injuries) and the ride back to the station was even worse. Buck said nothing beyond what needed to be said to get the job done, and wouldn’t even look Eddie in the eye, no matter how much Eddie tried to catch his gaze. When they needed to interact, Buck would stare somewhere off beyond Eddie’s ear. Hen and Bobby clued in pretty quickly that something was wrong, but by the trip back even Chimney (who was sometimes kind of oblivious to these things) was glancing between the two of them, a frown on his face. They barely had time to breathe when they got back to the station before the alarm rang again, and by the time they got back to the firehouse Buck’s shift was over and he slipped away without even a glance at Eddie.

Eddie wished he could follow him, but he still had a few hours left on his own shift. His texts and calls (from his finally charged phone) went unsurprisingly unanswered, but despite how much he wanted to go directly to Buck’s apartment when his shift was over he had to go pick up Christopher.

He tried to keep a smile on his face and act like everything was normal for his son, but his thoughts were spinning. Buck had clearly been calling a helpline on a fairly regular basis, and he hadn’t even known something was wrong.

Hadn’t he though?

If there was one word to describe Buck’s life lately, it would be _messy_. Getting crushed by a fire truck, desperately trying to get back to work, working himself to the point of an embolism, quitting a job he loved with every bone in his body, hiding away in bed for days on end, losing weight, getting caught in a tsunami...filing a lawsuit and being separated from his entire support system...

Could Eddie honestly tell himself that the signs hadn’t been there? Or had he just not been willing to see them?

Eddie wasn’t sure what the right move was to make, but he knew he needed to do _something_. So, he decided he was willing to play dirty. It probably wasn’t the best way to go about trying to be forgiven for crossing boundaries, but Eddie knew he had a trump card and he was going to play it.

At the next stoplight he dug into his pocket, and with a strained smile interrupted Chris’s happy storytelling about what he had done at school, asking him to call Buck as he held the phone out to the back seat.

Chris was all too happy to oblige, and excitedly called Buck’s number. When it went to voicemail he saw his son’s face fall in the rearview mirror, and guilt twisted in his stomach.

“Hey, buddy, just leave him a message and tell him you want him to call you back. Make sure you tell him it’s you.”

Sure enough, within seconds of Chris hanging up, the phone was ringing. Chris beamed as he accepted the call and put the phone to his ear.

“Hi Buck!”

“Nothing’s wrong Bucky don’t worry. Daddy just told me to call you!”

“Ummmmm I don’t know why.” Chris looked up at Eddie. Shit. Eddie really hadn’t thought this through.

“Tell Buck...” Eddie shook his head. Buck was going to be so mad. “Tell Buck that we’ll be there in less than an hour, I just wanted to ask what flavour of ice cream he wanted... after pizza.”

“Chocolate!” Chris shouted excitedly, his face lighting up. Eddie grinned at his son, eyebrow raised.

“I wanted you to ask _Buck_ , silly.” Chris huffed out a sigh, but dutifully relayed the the question. He listened to Buck’s answer before nodding in approval.

“Buck says he wants chocolate.”

\---

After ordering and picking up pizza and a tub of (chocolate) ice cream, they made their way to Buck’s apartment. Chris rushed ahead as Eddie followed holding the food and knocked excitedly on the door.

When Buck answered, he grinned widely at Christopher, but Eddie could tell that the smile was a little strained. Once Chris had hurried past Buck to the couch, Buck gave Eddie a dirty look. Eddie shrugged. He knew he deserved it, getting Chris involved had been unfair.

Neither Buck nor Eddie was particularly chatty as they ate, but Christopher kept up enough conversation for the three of them, enthusiastically telling Buck about everything he’d done at school that day. Eddie had already heard most of it in the car, so his focus remained on Buck, who still was determinedly avoiding eye contact with him.

After dinner, when Chris was settled in front of the television, Eddie decided he couldn’t keep his mouth shut anymore.

“Buck-” 

Buck shook his head, taking a long pull from his beer. “I’m not getting into this with Christopher _right there_.” His voice was quiet, trying to keep Christopher from overhearing, but the warning in his tone was clear.

Eddie rolled his eyes, but kept his voice low anyway. “He’s fine. But...” he searched Buck’s face, trying to catch Buck’s gaze. When Buck finally caved and met his eyes, Eddie tried to make sure his expression conveyed his sincerity. “I’m sorry, Buck. I’m so sorry for invading your privacy like that. I shouldn’t have done it, and I _definitely_ shouldn’t have called the number.”

Buck sighed, peeling the label off of his bottle. “It’s okay, Eddie.”

Eddie frowned, looking at Buck sharply. “What?”

Buck downed the rest of his beer before pulling out another and uncapping it. “It’s okay.”

Eddie shook his head in disbelief. “But, Buck...”

Buck looked up at him desperately. “Please, Eddie. I promise it’s okay. I forgive you.”

Eddie blinked.

“I...okay? I really am sorry, Buck, I...”

“Just forget about it, Eddie, please.”

Eddie didn’t want to forget about it, but Buck was looking up at him with pleading eyes, his ears bright red, and Eddie knew he had already invaded Buck’s privacy enough, so maybe the thing to do here was to respect the boundaries Buck was clearly setting up, and let it go.

Eddie really wasn’t good at saying no to Buck when he looked at him like that (especially when Buck and Christopher teamed up to give him puppy eyes), so he reluctantly nodded, clapped Buck’s shoulder in what he hoped was a reassuring way, trying to convey that Buck could come to him if he needed, and headed over to the couch to join Christopher.

It didn’t hit him until he was in bed at home that while Buck had assured him repeatedly that _it was okay_ , what he really had wanted to know was if _Buck_ was okay.

He was pretty sure, actually, that he _wasn’t_.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is part 3/3.  
> TW: Depression/suicidal thoughts  
> On tumblr under the same name if you feel like saying hi!

Eddie knew that Buck had said things were okay between them, that Eddie was forgiven, but Eddie couldn’t help but notice that things were still kind of tense between them. What he wasn’t sure of was whether Buck was still mad at him, or if Buck just felt awkward because of what Eddie now knew. He did think that, for all the tension, they were still being subtle, but after dinner Hen sat herself down next to him on the couch with a frown.

“Okay, what is _up_ with you two?” Her eyes darted between Eddie as Buck headed for the bunk room.

Eddie thought about denying anything was wrong, but the truth was he was worried, and he didn’t know what to do about it.

“I messed up.”

“Mhm.”

Eddie shifted to glare at her. “You could at least _pretend_ to be surprised.”

Hen rolled her eyes. “Sorry, sorry. Let me try again.” She cleared her throat. “ _What? You_ , Eddie? Never. What on _earth_ did you do? I can’t imagine.”

Eddie sighed. “I saw something I shouldn’t have and now... I’m worried about him. I’m _really_ worried about him.” 

Hen’s expression softened. “Yeah, me too.”

Eddie’s head shot up. “What? You know too?”

Hen shrugged. “I mean... I don’t know anything for sure, but there are some pretty obvious signs that he isn’t... okay. I’ve been worried about him for a while, to be honest.”

Eddie’s shoulders slumped. “I can’t believe I didn’t see it, until it was... right in my face. And I know I’ve definitely crossed some boundaries and I shouldn’t have snooped but now that I know, even though he said he forgives me, I can’t... I don’t _want_ to let it go.”

“So you did something you shouldn’t have, and this led to you seeing something you shouldn’t have. So now you know something you weren’t supposed to.”

Eddie nodded. “Exactly.”

Hen shrugged, “I’m not saying you were right to do whatever snooping you did, but maybe... maybe this is an opportunity to be there for someone who needs help but wasn’t going to ask for it.”

\---

As much as Buck was clearly trying to avoid Eddie, he managed to corner him in the locker room a few hours before the end of his shift. Buck tried to busy himself organizing things in his locker, but Eddie patiently (stubbornly) waited until he turned around. When he did, though, everything Eddie had been planning to say slipped away.

“I’m not sorry I snooped through your phone.”

Buck huffed, turning back around to angrily pull out and then shove back a shirt.

“Yeah, cool, well, fuck you too, Eddie.”

“I was talking to Hen and...”

Buck whipped back around.“You _told Hen_?” Eddie didn’t think it was possible for Buck’s usually kind and open face to look more betrayed, but it did, so he rushed to clarify.

“No, I didn’t _tell_ Hen. I just told her I was worried about you.”

Buck sighed, turning back around to stare aimlessly at the contents of his locker, looking for something to fidget with. “Jesus, Eddie, you really can’t keep your mouth shut can you?”

Eddie took a step closer to Buck, stopping as he saw Buck make an unconscious move away from him.

“I _didn’t_ tell her what I saw, okay? I just said that I was worried about you, and she’s worried about you too.”

Buck rolled his eyes. “Here, have an out, Eddie. You don’t need to worry. You don’t need to care. I’m fine.”

“But I _do_ , Buck, you’re my best friend. I want you to come to me when you’re hurting.”

Buck snorted. “ _Now_ you want me to come to you?”

Eddie frowned, confused. “Well, yes, I _always_ want you to come to me when you need help, Buck. I care about you.”

Buck choked out a laugh at that, and Eddie was self-aware enough to admit that it hurt. “You don’t get to choose when you care and when you don’t, Eddie. I can’t keep up.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

Buck stared at him incredulously. “What is that supposed to - you know what, never mind.”

“Buck...” Eddie pleaded. He didn’t know what to say, how to fix things. He just knew that _something_ was broken.

“Just drop it, _please, Eddie_.”

Eddie shook his head, taking another step forward, even as Buck backed himself into the row of lockers. “ _Buck_. I’m not going to drop it, okay? I know I shouldn’t have gone through your phone like that and I regret breaking your trust but I _don’t_ regret finding out what I did because you need help. I want to _help you_.”

The look in Buck’s eyes became more desperate. “You can _help me_ by forgetting about it, okay?”

Eddie put a tentative hand on Buck’s shoulder, ignoring it when he flinched. “No, Buck. I won’t forget about it. I can’t forget about it.”

“Stop it, Eddie, I’m tired.”

“Please, just talk to me.”

“Stop it.”

“How am I supposed to feel when you’re pushing me away like this?”

“Stop it.”

“You’re my best friend, Buck. It hurts, okay? I know I can tell you everything and it hurts to know that you don’t feel the-”

“ _Stop._ ” Buck finally pushed Eddie away, moving to the opposite side of the room.

“ _Buck._ ”

“No, Eddie, just _stop_. Please. I’m tired. I’m so tired. I don’t know how much longer I can keep being this tired. I’m tired all the time. I’m tired when I get out of bed and I’m tired at work and I’m tired when I go home alone and eat dinner alone and then go to bed alone. I’m so tired of trying to pretend that I don’t hate myself, that I don’t know that it... that it wouldn’t matter if I... if I left.”

“ _Jesus_ , Buck -”

“You don’t get to tell me that... that I’m hurting you by not telling you but then when I do try to talk to you you tell me I’m... I’m hurting you, that I’m _exhausting_ you. I’m too _tired_ to keep up. I know you have your own shit to deal with, and I respect that, but you can’t just... just demand to be let in when it suits you, and tell me to shut up and suck it up when it doesn’t. You made it clear where we stand, and I’ve been respecting that. I’m just asking you to respect my boundaries too.” Buck was clearly agitated, frustrated tears welling in his eyes.

Eddie frowned, confused. “Buck you’re my _best friend_.”

Buck backed up a little, folding his arms as if to protect himself “Sure. I know you think that, but I think... I think maybe we have different ideas of what that means. I’m always gonna be there for you and Christopher, no matter what, but...but you made it clear that I ask too much from you, sometimes, and I _know_ that I’m a lot and I promise, I _promise_ I’m trying. I’m trying so hard to tone myself down, and to hold it in and to just keep going but... but lately, it’s so much. It’s so much and you don’t get to ask to uncork the bottle just for a little bit because I can’t do it. I’m too tired to tell you what you want to hear without telling you what you don’t.”

Buck was sobbing at this point. Out of the corner of his eye, Eddie saw Chimney step into view through the glass wall. Chimney frowned for a moment as he took in the scene, before his eyes widened at the sight of Buck’s distraught and he backed away out of sight. Eddie desperately hoped they weren’t about to have an audience. At least the locker room door was shut, so hopefully the rest of the firehouse wouldn’t hear their argument.

Whether Chim had gone off to get someone or not wound up being irrelevant, because at that moment the bell went off and they were all rushing to the apparatus floor. Bobby took one look at Buck’s flushed, tear-stained face and heaving chest and shook his head.

“Buck, stay behind.”

Eddie tried not to notice how crushed Buck looked as he nodded and headed back into the locker room.

\---

Eddie could compartmentalize, and he did, but when the danger was gone and all they had left to do was clean up, his mind had time to wander. As they were packing things back into the truck together, Hen quirked an eyebrow at him.

“You okay?”

Eddie’s head shot up. “What? Yeah I’m fine.”

“Chim said he saw you and Buck getting into it, and I mean we all saw Buck when he came out for the bell, so I’ll ask again - you okay?”

Eddie shrugged, turning his focus back to the task at hand. “Yeah. I mean... maybe... I don’t know. He said some things that I just don’t understand.”

“Like what?”

“Like...” Eddie shrugged again. “Like... he said that he couldn’t keep up with me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I tried to ask him what was wrong, and I tried to tell him that he could talk to me but he told me that he can’t...” Hen nodded thoughtfully. “I just... I thought we were best friends, I don’t know why he thinks he can’t. I...”

“Buck internalizes things, Eddie. He has the biggest heart of anyone I know, and he feels everything so deeply, but something you might have said without meaning it might have stuck more than you meant for it to.”

Eddie blinked. “Shit.”

“Yeah.”

“He said I can’t demand to know what’s wrong some days and tell him to shut up on others.”

Hen sighed. “Yeah.”

Eddie winced as he tried to run though the things he’d said in anger to Buck. Then he cringed as he thought about things he hadn’t even said in anger, just offhandedly, that could have easily been taken as him telling Buck that he was _too much_. There was more than he was comfortable with, and his discomfort grew as he realized that this was just the stuff he could _remember_. 

_“Shit.”_

Hen patted him on the shoulder sympathetically.

\---

Buck couldn’t watch the team leave without him (again), so he turned around and headed back to the locker room, keeping his gaze on the ground to avoid looking at the trucks. Once there he sat down on a bench for a moment, trying to slow his breathing. He knew he needed to calm down. He knew there was no way he could have gone on a call like this, and that Bobby was right to leave him behind, but no amount of telling himself to relax seemed to be working.

He ran an agitated hand through his hair before getting up and heading to the storage room. In a daze he pulled out cleaning equipment, and got to work.

\---

When the trucks backed back into the firehouse the apparatus floor was gleaming and Buck was nowhere in sight. Hen and Eddie exchanged worried glances before splitting up, Eddie heading up the stairs to the loft while Hen headed for bunk rooms.

Eddie found the kitchen spotless and the dishes done, but the loft was otherwise empty. Hen didn’t have any luck in the bunk rooms either, so they both set to searching the rest of the firehouse.

It was Bobby who found Buck crouched down, desperately scrubbing a shower stall.

Bobby didn’t know what had happened between Buck and Eddie, but the worry for his youngest firefighter that he had pushed away during the call came flooding back as he took in the blank look on Buck’s face, and the way his hands were subtly trembling as he worked.

“Buck.” Buck made no indication that he had noticed he’d been interrupted. Bobby cleared his throat. _“Buck.”_

Buck looked up startled, dropping the brush he’d been using in shock. His mouth opened and closed several times, but he seemed unable to find words. Bobby sighed, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Buck, the place looks great, but when I told you to stay behind I didn’t mean you had to clean the station top to bottom.”

Buck shook his head frantically. “I...I...”

“I hope you know that it wasn’t a punishment, Buck. I just didn’t think you were in the right frame of mind to go out on a call. I was actually hoping you could just take the time to relax and calm down. Plus...” he glanced at his watch, “your shift ended fifteen minutes ago.”

He put a hand under Buck’s elbow and helped him to his feet, and then took the brush and bucket from him and put them away.

“Come on, kid. I’m in the mood for some tea.”

Bobby led Buck up to the loft, where he encouraged him to sit down on one of the couches before going to boil water. Having seen Buck following Bobby up the stairs, Hen quickly caught up to the two of them and sat down beside Buck on the couch. She bumped her leg against his, smiling gently at him as he looked up at her.

“Buck...” She looked up at Bobby, who seemed engrossed in making tea. Regardless, she kept her voice low. “Buck, I’m worried about you.”

He sighed, looking back down at his hands which were clenched tightly on the fabric of his pants. “Yeah, I know. Eddie told me.”

She waited until he looked back at her and met her gaze to continue. “Well, I am okay? And he is too. And I don’t know what he did, but he’s really sorry.”

Buck snorted softly. “He’s not.”

Hen put a hand on Buck’s shoulder, starting to rub soothing circles with her thumb. “He is, Buckaroo. He’s sorry about hurting you.”

Buck sighed, and they sat in silence for a moment, looking up when Bobby made his over and placed two cups of tea in front of them. Bobby patted Buck on the shoulder before taking his own cup back to his office and shutting the door.

Hen took a moment to blow on her tea before taking a tentative sip, smiling as it warmed her. Buck still hadn’t touched his, so she nudged it closer to him. He picked it up obediently, but didn’t move to drink it, letting the mug warm his hands instead.

They both turned around to the sound of someone clearing their throat. Eddie made his way around to sit on the other side of Buck, awkwardly wringing his hands. Hen pressed a kiss to Buck’s hair, getting up.

“I think this is a conversation the two of you need to have. Just know that I love you and I’m here for you, okay Buckaroo?” Buck nodded, giving her a strained smile before looking briefly at Eddie, and then back down to the mug in his hands.

They sat in silence for a few minutes before Eddie took a deep breath, steeling himself. “I remember what I said, Buck. After the lawsuit, especially.”

Buck turned the mug around in his hands, but said nothing.

“And... and the more that I think about it, the more I remember other times when I’ve said stupid shit to you, and I hate it but I totally get why you would think that you couldn’t come to me. I can’t change what kind of ass I was in the past, I know that, but I can tell you that I’m going to do better. Because you _are_ my best friend, so finding out that you’ve been struggling alone hurt. What hurt worse, though, was realizing that I’d been so shitty to you that even though I know I could call you at any time for anything, you were convinced I wouldn’t do the same for you. And that’s my fault, I know it is, and I can’t change the past but I can promise to do better, and to treat you better...and to watch my temper. Because, Buck, you are my _best friend_ and you _can_ come to me and I hate so much that I’ve made you afraid to. I promise I will watch my mouth from now on, and I’m _so_ sorry, I should _never_ have called you selfish. You give and give and then when you needed me I was so caught up in my own shit that I didn’t see that you were hurting. I did exactly what I unfairly accused you of doing, and it wasn’t right.”

Buck put his mug down and reached up to scrub at his face with both hands. Eddie hesitated before putting a tentative hand on Buck’s shoulder. He could tell that Buck was fighting tears, and he wanted to hug him, but he didn’t want to push.

Buck was silent for a few more moments before he let his head drop onto Eddie’s shoulder. He was quivering, but as Eddie put a gentle hand on his back, starting to play with the hair at the nape of Buck’s neck, the quivering turned to shaking, sobs starting to escape. Eddie pulled Buck into the tightest hug he could manage, hoping that what he’d broken between the two of them could be fixed.

“I’m so sorry, Buck. I’m so sorry. I’ve got you. I’m here.”


End file.
